It all begins as soon as I scrape a match The flick of my wrist is a cue that the sacred ritual Is about to commence. I light a red candle Not for the sake of tranquility Or celebration. Or love No, I am watching the flame dance And memorizing its perfectly irregular rhythm Free from style, training, or sense. I am convinced that Some of us knew what Wasn’t enough from the beginning And were wise enough to know that it’s better to get your own way. Even it costs you love,

Spent most of the weekend sleeping my plans away. I wish it had been dreamless. Although I’ve had worse . I suppose the dreams were a respite. Maybe I can thank the couple of drinks I had, or god. The God I should capitalize. Sorry. My grandma is at the end of her life, so I allowed myself one drink each evening this weekend. I am taking the next three days off of work. So yes, you heard it here, she is dying. I am not there by her side or anyone’s. I am, perhaps in a coward

And everything else. I guess. Because what else is there for me to do? I’m off all social media. Although once upon a forever ago I made an instagram for each of my cats. I left those alive. This way I can still log in and see other pet accounts and generally nice, wholesome things - like my favorite independent bookstore’s upcoming events which are often promoted there. Life without social media feels simpler. Maybe not more pure, but its absence gave my brain a nice sort o

There are sometimes small nebulous moments, like tonight, where I am suddenly aware of the thrum of . my heartbeat. These moments always come at random. It’s a bit confusing - my heart isn’t beating any faster than normal - or slower. Other times I feel the urge to count the breaths I take. My whole weekend was a bit of a haze. I accomplished virtually nothing. I was stuck in my head. Rehashing the past and trying to imagine a future that is probably impossible or unlikely at

I am waiting for answers that only time and life can give me with varying degrees of patience. Need more book time and less instant gratification, as usual. I have many selves, doubts, and hearts. 3. Currently trying to be more beautiful but not overly so. I don’t want to catch the eyes of nefarious men. So be the small thing. Be dainty but strong. I tell myself I’m resourceful and have perseverance. I tell myself to look wide eyed into the future but am largely ashamed of

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