Self protection

There are sometimes small nebulous moments, like tonight, where I am suddenly aware of the thrum of . my heartbeat. These moments always come at random. It’s a bit confusing - my heart isn’t beating any faster than normal - or slower. Other times I feel the urge to count the breaths I take.

My whole weekend was a bit of a haze. I accomplished virtually nothing. I was stuck in my head. Rehashing the past and trying to imagine a future that is probably impossible or unlikely at best. Wishful thinking. I sometimes make predictions based on fear. Or hope. Or fear disguised as hope. Does that make sense? Probably not.

I can’t help but wonder if these heartbeats are somehow my body’s gentle flick. “Look, I am going on for you. You are steadier than you think. You are at least steady in form. You have freedom in your body. You have choices, but I am choosing for you. You don’t even have to think. I do you this favor. I let you be yourself.”

Now my eyes are closing. I am drifting off. I trust my autonomic nervous system will carry me. It will be my mother. I was thinking today that I wish I had someone to protect me in the past - or even now, although I am wiser. My body, despite the ways I have neglected it, honors me.