Sublimation Queen

The third anniversary of my dad’s passing is rapidly approaching. That whole era - his death and events leading up to it - I try to forget all of that. Wash it out. After all: “The death is not the life.” (I’d give credit there but can’t remember who first said that.)

I am the Queen of sublimation in general && here’s something I tried to do to cope with this loss that backfired: pour myself - my soul and vigor - into work. “Staying busy is better.”

I regret that so much. Sure, I would eventually get a promotion out of it, but that job went sour anyway. Sour job + burned out me = broken situation that had a profoundly negative impact on my health. In summary: Hopeless, miserable situation that left me feeling as if I were trapped with no way out + preexisting health issue = lengthy hospital stay.

Over the years so much of my identity had become entangled with the people I didn’t want to disappoint. I wanted to “succeed” yet it felt so tantalizingly elusive. I could never cage this so called “success” like a pet canary to keep it from flying out of my hands. But in the end all of this was for… what, exactly?

Thank God life doesn’t look like that anymore. God has been good to me, but I have also participated in scraping myself out of hell and then out of myself again.

I know my Dad would be proud of me if he were still here today. Not just because of my publications, but because of my endurance. I am damn kind, damn talented, and am always true to my own ideals… ultimately.

I still have a lot to navigate in order to learn how to be a better friend to myself. I pray for peace and hope.

Maybe someday I’ll finally define “there.” And I’ll see you there. ❤️