There’s nothing more extraordinarily boring to me than a love I’m not really in - one has to dress it up in words to make it meaningful to others. Make the argument. Make it believable. Ensure there is some kind of wordplay that makes it sound universal or profound. Yet I’ve found real love can almost never be pinned down in words for what it was. I’m not convinced it’s possible to know… Maybe I’m crazy, but I think we knew. Everyone who spent time around us knew. Still, I d

My nails are painted blue and the polish is chipping. Hopelessly and recklessly chipping. I always leave nail polish on too long, let the colors die a pathetic death. I don’t know other girls who do this as much. I don’t know why I’m like this. Sometimes I think I should care more about why I don’t care. Other times I think that while this is a valid sentiment, I shouldn’t apply it to nail polish so much. Now, my hair is bright auburn. Box dye. My natural color is medium bro

I woke up in the middle of the night Saturday. It was one of those sharp, cold wake ups where I knew an immediate attempt to fall back asleep would be hilariously futile. I wandered onto YouTube. I was immediately met with videos about the devil and spiritual warfare (not pro devil, I assure you). Naturally, I watched a few. I actually tend to believe that’s real phenomenon. Spiritual warfare. Satan. Ugh. This accidentally ended up being good preparation for Ready or Not 2, w

You have a feeling you can’t name. You know it’s just a feeling. Feelings can be rather silly. Rather wrong. This hasn’t happened in a while. (Being wrong, in general of course, has.) But it’s strange and lovely in a way you just can’t stop holding. Until you put it down. Because you know you should.   And then you walk away, not knowing.

I bought a trauma workbook. For women. I was diagnosed with PTSD over a decade ago. I feel like I’ve been riding the trauma choo-choo train even longer, and there’s a certain gall in saying that. (Look at me, I said choo-choo, I still don’t know whether to make weird jokes or act sad. It’s impossible not to perform my way through these topics. Even in my writing. Sometimes.) I think any (and maybe all) traumatized people have trouble saying; “I went through trauma.” Because e

The comments I have gotten from other people are like pebbles I have collected all my life. I pull them out and examine them periodically. Some of these people have a more complete picture of me than others. “You’re so hard on yourself.” “You are brilliant.” “You are out of control.” “You are a disappointment.” “I don’t understand you.” “You are fascinating.” “Your priorities are out of whack.” “You are the best friend I’ve ever had.” “You are kind, smart, and courageous.” S

I have a “love/hate” relationship with those who have a way of crawling into my head and dumping all of its contents out. When it doesn’t feel like exposure, I can’t get enough of them. I love many. I can’t control who passes through my heart. I also can’t control who STAYS. It is up to my brain to use judgment and sort that mess out. I’m so grateful for the “surprise loves” I’ve encountered. I don’t even mean romantically. I mean those who didn’t matter until they did. (An a

Tonight I feel as if I am circling the drain of hell. Or “a” drain. Perhaps hell has many drains. My cat (Mally) is running around, somehow it is overwhelming. I am exhausted by the business of opening and closing my eyes to find her so I can plop her in bed, of accidentally noticing the way I am breathing, of knowing I still have to get up again after this and brush my teeth, of moving through any physical or mental thought process at all. This is a phase I sometimes I go th

It all begins as soon as I scrape a match The flick of my wrist is a cue that the sacred ritual Is about to commence. I light a red candle Not for the sake of tranquility Or celebration. Or love  No, I am watching the flame dance And memorizing its perfectly irregular rhythm Free from style, training, or sense. I am convinced that Some of us knew what Wasn’t enough from the beginning And were wise enough to know that it’s better to get your own way. Even it costs you love,

Spent most of the weekend sleeping my plans away. I wish it had been dreamless. Although I’ve had worse . I suppose the dreams were a respite. Maybe I can thank the couple of drinks I had, or god. The God I should capitalize. Sorry. My grandma is at the end of her life, so I allowed myself one drink each evening this weekend. I am taking the next three days off of work. So yes, you heard it here, she is dying. I am not there by her side or anyone’s. I am, perhaps in a coward

The morning after everything became less extraordinary Came too late. I was just myself again. A woman, not a puzzle Or piece of anything I never wanted to go back to a place where Colors did not radiate And time progressed naturally. Still, I couldn’t keep up this rhythm alone And now at night, nothing dances But at least for a time They all thought I was good.

And everything else. I guess. Because what else is there for me to do? I’m off all social media. Although once upon a forever ago I made an instagram for each of my cats. I left those alive. This way I can still log in and see other pet accounts and generally nice, wholesome things - like my favorite independent bookstore’s upcoming events which are often promoted there. Life without social media feels simpler. Maybe not more pure, but its absence gave my brain a nice sort o

There are sometimes small nebulous moments, like tonight, where I am suddenly aware of the thrum of . my heartbeat. These moments always come at random. It’s a bit confusing - my heart isn’t beating any faster than normal - or slower. Other times I feel the urge to count the breaths I take. My whole weekend was a bit of a haze. I accomplished virtually nothing. I was stuck in my head. Rehashing the past and trying to imagine a future that is probably impossible or unlikely at

I am waiting for answers that only time and life can give me with varying degrees of patience. Need more book time and less instant gratification, as usual. I have many selves, doubts, and hearts.  3. Currently trying to be more beautiful but not overly so. I don’t want to catch the eyes of nefarious men. So be the small thing. Be dainty but strong. I tell myself I’m resourceful and have perseverance. I tell myself to look wide eyed into the future but am largely ashamed of

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