Before anyone knew

Tonight has been another night of sinking into what I know (intellectually) must be a lie -which is that there is nothing meaningful left for me in this life. Flashes of light, brief lifts, nothing that sticks to my bones.

I can’t seem to override the lie or untangle why I feel this way. I am sitting in an inexplicable emptiness, and am full of an accompanying unsettling stillness.

Life will change soon. I am having a hard time accepting it. I have tried to plant myself in transient moments - instead of accepting my circumstances and framing the future as a fresh start.

Tonight I cannot feel positively toward myself in any way. I feel hideous. Unfixable. I am loved, accepted for the ways I am useful and peppy. And yet behind the services I provide for others that render me socially acceptable is this self destructive force who clings to temporary amusements but finds little peace. I do find peace in small doses of God.

The God who will not fix this for some reason - but who is surely sitting with me while I wait it out. Until I remember who I am.

There is a girl, a woman, and so many seasons that swirl inside. I carry no almanac. No guide. I see no trail. I just vanish and reappear before anyone knew I was gone.

I will be back.