No title part 2

In the midst of it all - whatever “it all” is - this sort of dazed heaviness, of temporarily feeling as if I can carry my life even if I don’t understand it - I still doubt the possibility that I will have some sort of long term peace. The only reason I can carry it is because of how much I value the people and the things that I love. No love is too small to matter at this point.

And if love is an action verb, maybe peace is too. Maybe I was foolish to ever think otherwise. I’m tired of all of these actions. These verbs.

Peace - what is it really? Do I deserve it? Sure. Do my cats deserve it? Absolutely. It’s easier to give it to them. It makes me feel grounded. That stirs up feelings of peacefulness. Everyone wins.

I feel like my cats are more loyal to me than my own mother and they probably understand me more. I came to that conclusion years ago, although she loves me and isn’t a terrible human being. She seems far more loyal to her parents, but to each their own I suppose. I accepted the limitations in our relationship years ago.

My Dad, although secretly an addict for many years, was also more emotionally dependable because at least I understood his mentality. We didn’t judge each other, hence the friendship dynamic.

I am too tired to continue writing. I also have been feeling creatively dried up. Forgive my nonsense. I am hoping that tomorrow is soft.