Halloween

It’s November 1st. At 1am. I’m hanging out in my room being nonsensical and… well, acting like a childless woman who has all her homework finished on a Saturday night, so. Forgivable offense?

Halloween died. I miss it. I feel like I wasted it. But my life is Halloween. I live in the spirit of Halloween forever as a spooky ghost story loving girl and that is my peace.

I always felt like a “Halloween girl” but the fact that I would eventually relate to Sidney Prescott in “Scream” more than a lot of my friends is also notable. Did I speak this into existence? Who fucking knows. I also don’t think most people even care. I understand because everyone has their own life and problems. Why wouldn’t they think anything other than I’m just being melodramatic? Exactly.

But we had the horrific ex boyfriends who gave us PTSD (assuming she had some after effect?) and go t shot in the head so am I really exaggerating much?

I don’t go around sharing that. It’s too obscure and sounds like a lie. I already have a brother with special needs and epilepsy. References my own health issues (real). Dad addicted to gambling.

These are so specific and sound like lies. And I can seem normal. I think? Or “likable.” Why put a target on myself that I’m not?

But moving on.

I hear tons of sirens outside. They aren’t “growing closer” from what I can tell but they keep coming. I think they just stopped though. So maybe not quite on my street or even in my neighborhood but somewhere adjacent. Yikes? Not noticing… the flashes or sound of commands that make indicate that a house fire is on very close… but still terrible and I hope everything ends up… not worst case scenario for whatever is going on. But my first instinct is to assess an immediate threat (duh).

I am bad at assessing the immediate threat that I can be to myself. It may not be deadly immediate threats , but they are bad things. Why do I allow this? Do I not give a shit about the outcome of my life over time? Need instant relief from suffering? Don’t want to face consequences? Well, seeing as how many things “come in threes” and this all makes sense…

I care about life more than I used to. About everything. The fact that my nightmare ex boyfriend who raped me shot himself in the head and died has had some effect on me and this will change over time. Is he any threat? No. The fact that I long suspected he would die this way eventually (wasn’t a firm belief, but it was a factor I considered when I didn’t go to the police.

I’m so tired of living and talking about this. No one can even understand. My therapist has talked about the possiblity of dating and my response has been that I wouldn’t hit a fantastic hypothetical man over the head with the shovel (really feel this way) - I would never seek anything out. Open? Not worth discussing when my life has been about finding peace but more importantly meaning in everything I have ever been through (good, bad, extraordinary, mundane…) and I’d argue that’s a good goal for most people.

Fuck my openness as a focus though. It feels offensive and that’s it minimizes the horror.