Cleverness, the mob, Casino, revenge, and offhand nonsense

The movie “Casino” haunts me.  I remember staring at my parent’s VHS copy of this film on our entertainment center when I was in elementary school, transfixed.

I loved that entertainment center, and paid a very infamous visit to it once when I was 5.

One boneheaded Kindergarten weekend I plucked “Jaws” off the shelf. I still remember picking the movie up, although I can’t remember why it appealed to me. We all know what the cover of any Jaws DVD or VHS tape looks like, so my guess might only be slightly better than yours. I asked my dad if I could watch it. He said “Sure Kay Kay!” (that was my childhood nickname).

That viewing blew up into what would then be know as the “Jaws incident” - I became afraid of public swimming pools for years and would learn to use some inappropriate language (but you already knew that’s where the story was headed).

My mom was less than thrilled with my dad. They decided I should “face my fear” of Jaws by getting on the ride when we took a trip to Universal Studios, because then I’d see it was all fake. The problem with that plan was that it did not LOOK fake, especially to a young child. I became increasingly fearful and ruined the experience of the ride for a lot of the adults that day, I’m assuming.

The whole Cassidy family has such a complicated relationship with the Jaws universe, although I believe I have mentioned that my dad picked off a part of the decaying “Jaws 3” shark from a movie history exhibit and gifted it to me -  I can’t stress enough of how special that memory was. And you’d have to be a Cassidy to actually appreciate how specifically hilarious that was.

You’d also have to be a blood Cassidy. My mom married into the Cassidy name and then divorced my dad - so she’s a nice person in her way (while still being incomprehensible in many others), but never a Cassidy. She is probably happy about that, and that proves my entire point.

But moving down the entertainment center… and back to that VHS copy of “Casino”…. Which is now a blu ray copy of “Casino.” Are we up to speed? I hope you enjoyed that regurgitated Jaws segue.

I’m not going to bore you with my thoughts about the movie or any kind of analysis. There’s enough opinionated men on YouTube. Pick your poison (wait a minute, that feels too spot on). I like mob films. I like mob history. I like the mob more than the president and the entire Republican Party and would vote for any number of fictional or real mobsters over Trump, as any sane person should (let me stress that I AM playing a “lesser evil game” and the wailing ghost of Gotti isn’t my #1 pick).

This is why Casino and all of these mob films are so seductive to me:

Extremely clever people, even if they are (to some extent) corrupt, hook me every time. I’ve always felt like it is mandatory to be clever.

I, Caitlin Cassidy, need to be able to outsmart people - NOT to gain control over innocent OR harmless people. I don’t mean that at all.

I need to be clever in case I need to take back what is mine or gain the upper hand against someone antagonizing me. Still, it has to be antagonizing that is worth giving a damn about. I’m not a machine, I am a human being with a certain amount of energy and coins to spare and I’m careful about how I spend them.

I have no problem being petty sometimes, but it has to be part of a bigger game, a bigger plan, or a warning shot, and there’s a lot of nuance to my moral machinery. I should try to love and forgive people the way Jesus did, I know that, and I have lots of love in me. I do. Forgiveness too! But it’s all case by case, and it feels better to have proof that a real consequence happened. Among other things.

Also, the people that put their significant others on blast publicly for cheating are playing rookie games and are not thinking long term. It’s not a good look to do that. It’s NOT clever. I feel bad, I do! But don’t be Carrie Underwood. Why would anyone want to be? “Cheating revenge” is… I don’t know. In order to consider myself clever, I have to stay aligned with my values. I will never do anything illegal. Or violent (which is also illegal, duh). I also don’t want to look “ordinary” or “common” etc - so if I were in some spot with a cheating husband I’d leave it off Facebook and make sure he takes a gigantic financial hit (LEGALLY!!)

I have no problem emotionally atomic bombing a person that is corrupt (or more corrupt than me). I think a person is corrupt if they are harming someone who is NOT harming them. It’s literally that simple!

As much as I try to forget K-12 (although there’s a lot of material) - I do have two emotional atomic bomb regrets.

In middle school there was a girl who is pretty forgettable now other than this one incident. She was always average, and I was aware of that even at that age to be quite frank.

She was one of those people who hover around you socially (although she a bit more popular) that you “should” hit it off with but never quite do. In 6th grade she was making fun of this other girl who was unusual, yes, but in retrospect much more interesting and probably had more to offer. Not to mention she wasn’t a fucking bitch. She wasn’t harming anyone, she was just being herself. The forgettable girl was upsetting the unusual one and I had the PERFECT opportunity to just end the bullshit in a quick clean shot. I knew what to say to embarrass the hell out of that other bitch. She was extremely large and looked like Ursula from the Little Mermaid, which is a cheap shot, but like I mentioned before - she was harming someone innocent so this was all fair. It was on the tip of my tongue. I was about to say something about leaving minding her own business because she needed to me more worried about buying herself slim fast.

The teacher wasn’t in the room! It would have been perfect (let me once again interject that I was 12). The forgettable girl actually respected me and it would have made a little bit of an impact. I didn’t say a damn thing! I didn’t make the move! I didn’t get involved in that split second and I hate myself for it.

So yes, that was a shot I DIDN’T take that haunts me.

There was also a shot I DID take at a former EXTREMELY close friend of mine in my late teens - I regret it! And I should go fuck myself for saying close friend. Why am I trying to soften it? Because think of your life, of anyones life, and their landscape - this friend wasn’t a part of my landscape, she was in a uniquely life-defining category that I know will never be replicated and I burned it down, all over some bullshit drama that would have played itself out in time.

That shot I took at her cost us both too much. I don’t mean to sound like I was the victim here at all! I’m saying that I lost something - it was MY fault, I’m just acknowledging that I paid a price due to my own actions. It cost me her friendship because I was cruel. It’s a CONSEQUENCE!

She didn’t need to hear the cruel things I said from me (or anyone). She needed kindness, understanding or just anything other than that. The cost of my cruelty was so much more to her, I’m sure - although truly I shouldn’t speak for her or make any sort of further assumptions.

I said things that were far too cruel. I actually sounded like my dad, when I recognized that I hated it. I love my dad unconditionally, but we shared most of the moral playbook I just described, and I occasionally had to take my medicine too. We had this neighbor who was a huge asshole to my Grandma for YEARS - my dad confronted him one day when I was 9 and we never heard a peep from him again (as far as I can remember)! From the beginning of time I knew this was an effective move - if you’ve clever you live your life picking up pieces of everything, taking notes of the environment, of your community, of everyone you know (or don’t know), and I can give a lot of people nice gifts using I’ve picked up or noticed about them along the way. But I have some ability to disassemble well. I don’t do this much now.

I should have left her alone, left things as they were and let that situation play out. Left her in peace. I hate that I didn’t even years later when this memory crosses my mind. I always hope that she’s okay. And that’s always the end note…

Until I’m dreaming I’m at Blockbusters. And there’s an Audrey Hepburn lookalike contest that my Grandma and I have both entered. The judge is…. THIS FRIEND.

Enough of this nonsense, though.