Those XYZs

Late night vibes:

1. I can't stand the acute mental sensation of empty spaces or blankness. I need escapism and fantasy and "what-if-I-hads" or “what if I woulds” like I need oxygen. It's what gets me from one moment to the next. It keeps me moving... and by that I really mean "spinning."

&& I hate feeling powerless. So I build up little scenarios, little pieces of what my future

could look like if XYZ happened. It’s comforting.

Next step is to convince myself that XYZ WILL happen because I'll accept nothing less. Maybe that makes me a control freak. Or maybe I'm just scared. Not sure.

2. I need to learn to live in the present instead of ricocheting between the past and future. I'm obsessed with analyzing my failures and victories and am both fascinated and perplexed by my own behavior. I can't figure out why I've done some of the things I've done.. or maybe I do know deep down and I just don't want to face it. "You can't HANDLE the truth!"*Jack Nicholson voice*

3. I've done many things that I take pride in. I know I am a kind person who usually means well. But is that enough? Does the scale tip towards kindness or bitterness*? How can two such strong opposing forces exist within one person simultaneously?

4. Maybe I'm not as abnormal as I thought. Maybe I'm just human. How boring.

*Kindness definitely. But not always.