Optimistic vs. Pessimistic vs. Determined

Today is Monday. It’s a beautiful day to be delusional and free and a little sad.

Being hopeful in a delusional way is my second favorite coping skill.

Now on to work.

Here we go… I’m in a strange, tingly, sparkly phase of transition. I start a new role at my company this week. Should be a positive thing, but naturally I’m a bit nervous. I’d be an a naive asshole if I wasn’t.

So… let’s lay this out:

I’m smart, capable, hardworking, and a good writer. Which is why I’m getting this new job… AS a writer. My new job = CONTRACT WRITER on a new centralized team.

I know who I am, what I’m not (yet), what I could never be - I simultaneously love and fear this entire arsenal of self I carry.

But yeah. I’m nervous. New boss. New dynamics. New procedures. But can I handle this? I am positive I can. I just need to, you, know… act like a sane, reasonable person about all of this.

What makes this harder:

My health has started to deteriorate in the last few months/weeks which threw a disgusting, inconvenient, and very necessary monkey wrench in all of My Big Plans. Necessary because I can’t just live however the hell I want, not excercise, cook well etc, and think that riding by with my so-called wit and charm and “strategically sincere” social strategy will save me. In the end, nothing can save me but me. Nothing can stop me but me. It’s so terrifying.

I am starting infusions in a couple of weeks. No, I don’t have cancer. Nothing that’s Chicken Soup for the Soul material. But it’s still not easy, it’s something I have to carry. It feels harder than at times.

I think everyone is at least a little sad in 2026. I’m glad I’m not younger. Can I get a “fucking yikes” to having to deal with present day world horrors with a frontal lobe that is not fully formed? And then not knowing much of a world before that?

Because that’s what I think when I see people having kids on purpose.

Or being kids.

Or having kids ACCIDENTALLY.

Am I truly optimistic? Pessimistic? Determined? Darlings, I am it all.

Unrelated picture for flair: This is book I am reading. It is underrated. DFW was brilliant, somewhat menacing, probably an abusive asshole, AND was correct about the media and American consumerism.