IDEA-lizing

Has anyone else had distance turn into repulsion?

Recently I disconnected from someone just to see if they’d come back. And the disconnect has brought me an objective view of our relationship. I’m frightened by the fact that I SO wanted to impress and imprint upon someone who probably thought of me as a symbol clapping monkey amusement toy.

At best.

I’m always trying to impress people who possess qualities I lack. Like self control. Or studiousness.

That doesn’t mean their heart or intentions are pure. I need to find an equally pure heart. That sounds ironic since I’ve actively tried to ruin people who have hurt me.

But not lately.

I guess that’s a rotten part of my umbilical cord that’ll fall off eventually. It served me before birth/rebirth by feeding me a sense of control over my life.