Faking it is the new making it.

Forcing myself to write something just to give me a sense of... grounded-ness. I keep going BLANK lately and it’s alarming me. I hope it is stress (or a self-protection mechanism) and not early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. Well... statistically that would be rare.

I am trying NOT to “hate“ this year because there’s no point to that. I can’t “hurt life back” or get revenge. It’s this collection of negative events that is killing me. Or not. I am still getting by, whatever that means. Maybe getting by just means “not laying on the ground screaming.” But what am I supposed to do if life gets worse and I don‘t have a plan to handle it... but HAVE to? Where do I put that fear, grief, and anger?

I HATE seeing my loved ones in perilous situations... that I can’t fix. That THEY can’t fix. I’m in my own unemployment hole right now but that’s nothing compared to where the rest of my family is. I don’t worry about my own hurdles. I throw my little fits and shake my fist at the sky... but then I get worn out and take a nap.

And that’s why I wish it was me.

Sigh.