Crazy Train

Late night writing:

It's so much easier to shut yourself off from the world than it is to venture out and live with the possibility of getting hurt.

I constantly question how much of my introversion and so-called desire for independence is in reality just me crawling into a cave because I'm afraid to engage with the real world and risk being ruined by it.

I tell people all the time that I never want to marry or have a family, that I am afraid of being burdened/tied down, because of what I've seen happen to other people. I run away from friendships and men like I'm training for the New York Marathon. That is a purely FEAR based response.

And then when I feel half-comfortable with someone, I jump in headfirst emotionally because I'm dying to be understood - and to understand.

But the desperation clouds my judgment and I get involved with the wrong people, and the cycle starts all over again.

Obviously most of us non-sociopaths have experienced that voice telling us "You can't do it. You are bad. You are unworthy. You are powerless. You will get hurt. You will fail."

Some of us have that voice innately turned up a little louder than others?!

I do think we can choose to turn it off, but it requires a leap of faith. If we've lived with the voice and have had the tendency to embrace its lies over and over again, it can seem impossible to let it go.

(It's so insidious that at times it disguises itself as protection.)

But I hope in time I will be able to tune it out.

"It's so much safer not to feel, to not let the world touch me."

Safer? Maybe. But life was meant to be lived. I can shut myself away from the world and continue to feel isolated, or I can take reasonable risks, knowing everything I know now.

I'm starting to think that anywhere is better than nowhere. Let’s see where the crazy train takes me.