Chasing it

I got a self-improvement planner for 2021. It has prompts, suggestions, lists:

“What are your financial and spiritual goals? What are your dreams? Who do you admire most?”

I gscribbled this on front of my planner: “My dream is to have dreams.”

I wouldn’t call myself aimless or stagnant. I am, however, spinning. I’m playing leap frog from one interest to another.

I’m supposed to create things. I’m supposed to have a social and educational status that mirrors my intellect. Or so said my teachers.

The things I want the most are abstract. I don’t want dead trees hanging on my wall as much as I just want peace. I don’t measure my life in degrees, academic or otherwise.

I don’t want a trophy even though being “seen“ is it’s own huge addiction.

I want understanding. I want to be one thing. I’m tired of roles and the degrees of play-acting each one brings. That’s the thing I miss the most in my spinster life.

I’m lucky.

Lucky that I HAVEN‘T ruined my life in ways that will keep me in quicksand forever. My entire murky and confusing existence is lucky. I’m a chaotic mix of bitterness and hope. The only thing I pray for is peace. I’ll say that now and into forever.