Brownies of Judgment

Here’s a long story about expired friendships and judgement-

I gradually lost a close friend several years ago when I went off the deep end. The deep end was never directed at her, but I could feel her slowly losing respect for me as each year passed.

And I mean... it is what it is, but it still hurts. She was a person I looked up to. Not to mention I pulled her out of A LOT of her own junk when we were teenagers and she asked for listening ears or guidance. Like (cuckoo) clockwork.

I remember being in the hospital where she was interning every day and I asked her to visit me, and she didn’t. That was a big ouch.

Obviously I don’t expect everyone to like me but I stand by the accuracy and message of this story.

I do wish her well. I’m not a monster. I’ll admit I used to roll my eyes at the brownie-making Good Housekeeping life she made for herself since and seemed so proud of, like...

“LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE.”

Okay... that’s residual hurt and resentment talking but I’m not editing it out. And her brownies are probably delicious.

I was also jealous that even though we didn’t want the same things, she seemed to be realizing her dreams while I just sank.

Overall I feel like... she had the bigger loss though. Even if she doesn’t see it.

That may sound narcissistic, but I feel like... if the “I’m soooo perfect and tidy and housewifey, hashtag blessed, look at my perfect husband” life (if it’s real?!) she ever made for herself ALSO ends up being something that expires, she has one less pair of nonjudgmental, sincere, kind ears.

Ears attached to a person who grew substantially and, well... ended up getting better in a lot of ways.

She lost someone who accepted her unconditionally, meanwhile, I lost a fair-weather friend.

Don’t think your life can’t turn into a nightmare that pushes you past edge, kids. Don’t think you’re immune to losing everything. And during those times you might find yourself surrounded by people who:

a) Won’t understand OR b) Weren’t really that invested and become disinterested in associating with chaos.

Which is exactly what happened with her. I don’t think about this often. But I saw something that triggered these memories.

Shrug emoji.