Wink and sashay.

Sometimes I walk up to the mirror, give myself a little wink and sashay, and think: “untouchable… unreachable.” Then I give myself a quick run-down of secrets I carry.

Those secrets- some are ordinary, others are a little more complicated (but don’t worry, I haven’t killed anyone) - prove that the words “untouchable and unreachable” do hold a little water. Those words aren’t lies I’m telling to or about myself (this time).

I like to tell myself that no one knows me as a complete picture. Have I “won” anything by playing this game? “Game.” Hah! What’s the prize? “I know more?” That’s not even true, because no one is objective about their own life.

Let’s face it - lack of intimacy, isolation, lord, walls- all unsexy ways to avoid getting hurt. Everyone has their own way (or two).

Dating? Finding love? I can’t even watch romantic comedies. They make me sick.

I don’t care about being physically alluring or desired.

I only want to be loved by loving people, while making the worst ones sick.

The below Lady Gaga quote popped up in my memories today, along with my 2016 commentary:

Some women choose to follow men, others choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

I’m not sure how true this is in the context of love, romantic or otherwise - or if I even believed this back then.

Yet - Damn, damn, damn - how I want that all to be true! I want to believe I can sustain myself without exposure and humiliation and compromise!

I can’t pretend that’s all that love is though.

I’ve had great loves, platonically and otherwise. But I’ve been single for years. I have made no consistent effort to get out of my comfort zone even for friends. Laziness? Fear of finding myself or others inadequate? Venturing out for fulfillment and understanding and just leaving empty? More the latter than the former.

Damn this fear, rut, poison. That’s what it is.

I don’t care if I have a happy ending (no such thing) - I just want to KNOW my ending so I can prepare for it. The best I can hope for is an ending that is neatly tied up in a little ribbon… that won’t strangle me.

End tangent. Anyone else feel me on this?