Which world?

“Perhaps when you find yourself wanting everything, it is because you are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”

Or however that quote goes.

It’s the opposite for me.

I’m faux-disinterested in the milestones other people want to tick off their list. I say “faux-disinterested” because while some of these things make my ears prick up with a whirling combination of curiosity and longing (get published! Hike! Travel! Attain a romantic partner!), the bigger part of me knows there’s no guarantee that these will shape me into anything I should (or would care to) be.

But it goes deeper than that.

I’m tired of insincerity; tired of fizzled-out chances. I’m nostalgic for the days when I was the primary culprit behind my own chaos.

The Scary Thing: If I were to leap into the world, (or the arms of another) to do Great Big Things, there’s no guarantee I’d survive them.

I want peace and quiet. And I’m free from the burdens of children or a husband, but am anchored to nothing and quasi-drifting. This is me. This is my life.

I have a “something.”

That something is full of many good things. The nuts and bolts are in place.

Yet deep down I want a world. I don’t know which one.

Caitlin, let’s make caring cool again. Life is worth living and understanding. And the former has to happen first.