So this is my life.

What a day, week, year, life. How life buzzes, squeaks, and stops.

I am restless and fighting sleep for no reason. I am googling myself. Deciding how I look. Drinking tea. Doomscrolling. I am doing so many useless things. I am nervous and unsure. I wish I could guzzle new doses of hope like a physical tonic, refresh myself, buy myself time in these ways.

I want a future I can’t predict, let alone guarantee. I want more access to my blind spots. There are people who are rooting for me. I cannot always live up to their standards, let alone mine. I am fighting something that can be named but can’t be squashed like a tumor. Yet it is obvious I am fighting. I am fighting in this sort of invisible, constant, transient way. A tear that is twarted at the last second. A smile that is forced. A desperate text that isn’t sent. A remark not uttered, a more appropriate one substituted. “What would a healthy person do or say.” Now go be that. You, Cait, can be that for a few more minutes and hold on. Now smile smile smile.

There are moments where I am lifted. There is a genuine laugh. A moment where I feel rested, clearer. And then I lose most or all of it again. So this is here and now.