Pre-September thoughts

September is almost here. I’ll be 31 before I know it. A question on my mind: “Do I love myself?”

I have a question for everyone else too: “What does self kindness look like to you?”

Quite a tricky question. I don’t always. I flip flop depending on my output. Used to be a habitual workaholic.

I see the world in myself, and I have mixed feelings about the world.

I also see reverberations of myself in my immediate world. I have had an impact. I throw a lot of love around. I make people laugh.

I’m a good listener who usually means well. I’m an above average writer. Other people see it. I know it is there.

I have something. I love my something.

But do I love MYSELF, or the somethings? I haven’t completely forgiven my worst.

I have to love myself vigorously. To be gentle and loving in ways that reach beyond putting on lotion and having tea before bed. Throw familiar poisons in pretty bottles down the garbage disposal.

I’ve historically been feeding my own drill seargent… trying to make myself achieve more by shouting at what I could be doing better.

Kindness, kindness, kindness. Loving yourself is not narcissism. I’m not trampling over others. Still, I’m better than the worst people. Even when I look foolish.

That being said, I’ve always been hyper aware of other people’s criticisms. Even small ones.

I want to be better - to not hurt myself or others the way I sometimes have. I don’t want to alienate people due to a lack of self awareness.

TRICKY, TRICKY INDEED.