And I beg you, I said “pretty please”…

“Make me pure again, oh make me clean.” 🎶

That’s a line from a Hole song called “Old Age.” I stand by Hole because that band was made of more than Courtney Love, who I can’t implicitly endorse, though she didn’t kill Kurt.

That line has always stuck with me. I’m not impure, but I miss the essence of my innocence. The closest thing I can do to replicate that now is to have no man touch me ever. Hello and goodbye!

Life has been ebbing and flowing naturally. I won vodka at a work drawing on Friday. I’m not supposed to drink, but I had a small small sample for experimental purposes and it put me straight to sleep.

I don’t like drinking much. Never did. I prefer caffeine in all of its forms, though mostly I just drink black coffee. I want to be aware, alert, motivated. Alcohol and prescription drugs like ativan, Xanax, and the like just DRAIN me. It’s not a good feeling.

The last time I took ativan was when my dad was going through one of his 16 or however many stages of dying. I got into a disagreement with my mom. I was supposed to watch my brother that afternoon, but was so disoriented that I lost the entire afternoon. I have no memory of watching him even though he was over. He just played on the computer the whole time and never requires much attention, really, so I hope that makes me sound 20% less shitty.

I’ve been stressed and busy, but that’s part of being a working adult. My latest project is to stop assuming the worst in all situations. I got a workbook. I can’t snap my fingers and make my anxiety go away, but the workbook has still been helpful.

Sleepy now. I should go. Until we meet again!