A lizard.

I’m tired and it is late. Laying on the couch with Mal.

Caitlin in her natural habitat.

A tiny lizard🦎 appeared in the house today. Scurried across the floor. I yelped because I almost crushed it. I don’t know much about lizards. I know I don’t want to kill them though. I’ll take baby lizards over spiders any day. Thumb sized, incredible little life. It has a functional sand grain heart. It still runs. It tries to live. Even non-humans try to live and avoid pain. I wonder if they understand death, or at least disappearing. That’s so crazy to think about. I mean… they typically don’t kill themselves.

6 days until 31. I took the first step into my 30s last year. Somehow made it. Wasn’t the best or worst. Faced uncomfortable truths because I had no choice. Learned a few unsavory things about a person I love. I spent so much time alone. What do I want from my 31st year? I need more practice in “doing the next right thing.“ I don’t care about celebrating. I’m so isolated. Only have a couple of friends left. It’s a square, not a “circle“ of friends.

I made my world small. I swim in circles. I do the same things over and over again. I do these things because I know they are low risk and won’t kill me, but I am bored. I want safety.

I’m a lizard with a bigger heart. Happier and sadder. I love a lot. I want more peace in the upcoming year.

So tired. More later.